Utah County, I have a bone to pick with you

Dear Utah County-

Question. Do you hate me? Do ya? Because I think you do and if I'm right, don't you think that we should just get it out in the open and talk about it. I'll even start.

Do you enjoy the fact that I can't ever find anything down there and I drive around for the better part of an hour searching for some seemingly nonexistant address? The only three places I've ever successfully driven directly to are my Aunt B's, my Aunt Kathy's and the University Mall and half the time I'm worried that when I actually arrive to what I think is my destination, you will have moved them on me just for kicks. But Provo and Orem are the least of my worries, what's the deal with that whole Alpine/Lehi/Pleasant Grove/American Fork/Lindon mess? Trying to figure out where I'm driving down there blows my mind. I swear you even hide your freeway when onramps when I head that way.

I've noticed that you've made an effort to utilize the tried and true grid system when naming your streets, but it is a very half-hearted one, indeed. What good does it do me when all the cities run into each other and they all have their own grid systems? What the heck does it mean when I read a sign that says "2600 N/400 S" or something equally outrageous? And how can a street possibly be 700 North AND 700 East at the same time?

Huh?

Huh?

Oh, and I know that you and Mapquest are in cahoots. What's the deal there? Do you blackmail them to give me wrong directions or do you both sit around and laugh yourselves silly at your sick joke while you watch me make U turn after U turn? What about today, when it took me 45 minutes to find an address in Lindon, did you NOT hear my children screaming in the back seat because I'm fairly certain that orbiting space stations were annoyed with them. And then you had to go and put the grandma in her Cadillac in front of me. I bet you loved that her car never went over 15 mph, didn't you?

I'm telling you, Utah County, this whole thing isn't working for me. It isn't working at all. I'd like you be your friend, but you make it so hard! We can't avoid eachother entirely. I'm racking my brain here trying to figure out what I could have done that would cause such loathing on your part. Is because I went to the U? because if it is, listen, you're just going to have to get over it. You are the home to BYU and I still venture down there from time to time. No hard feelings.

I'm really hoping that we'll be able to work this out, but the ball's in your court now. You know where to find me, safely tucked away in Salt Lake County, where the world and the streets make sense.

Yours Sincerly,

Lou