TMI (and no photo to soften the blow)

Last night, I laid awake in bed for several hours before I was finally able to fall asleep. My eyes were furious with me, but my mind and body seemed determined race and toss and turn and itch and twitch. I thought that I would wake up this morning and want to crawl under a rock, but I had no problem waking up at all... at 5:30. It seems as though the obnoxious energy that kept me awake last night hasn't given up on me yet. Since then, I've been racing around the house, thrilled that I FINALLY have the energy to do the simple things that seem impossible every other day. Things like putting away laundry, sweeping the floor, helping the kids clean their rooms and thinking about what I'd like to accomplish during the day. Then I realized why I must be feeling this way.

Crap. I must be manic again.

For those of you who were previously unaware, I studied psychology in school and as a result, I find myself in the annoying position of knowing just enough about the subject to be dangerous ( i say that a lot, get used to it). I've diagnosed myself with (usually high functioning) bipolar disorder. The up side of it is that every so often, I find myself in these moods that I can only describe as ecstasy. Sounds dramatic, but so am I. I tell you, if the drug makes you feel anything like the real thing, I can understand why people like it. I have a million things that I want to do and I can do them all, I WILL do them all, if I let myself. Nothing can put me in a bad mood. I remember on my 20th birthday, I totalled my car and dealt with it surprisingly well. It really didn't get to me at all and my friends were amazed with my good attitude. I realize now that I must have been manic at the time.

The downside is that my thinking isn't rational, I spend money without thinking about it, my heart races and I move very quickly, often jittery, I also speak quickly. I can't concentrate on any one thing for very long and I find that I don't have much patience for people who aren't moving at my speed. This morning I was thinking about training for a marathon, which seemed TOTALLY do-able. I was going to start tomorrow. I think that in a few days, it'll loose it's appeal.

And then there's always the mania's evil twin, the life sucking, mind numbing, physically and emotionally crippling depression that tails the manic episodes. It's always there too, lurking in the dark corners of my mind, waiting for a moment of weakness to attack. What goes up, must come down and when I'm feeling so good, I forget to keep up my guard. That's it's game, you know. Attack and retreat, attack and retreat, trying to wear down my resistance. Some day I'll conquer it once and for all. I'll lock it and the mania up in that dark corner and throw away the key. The freedom I'd have seems unimaginable. (wow, i almost succeeded in bumming myself out)

Maybe someday I'll write about that too, it'll be fun.

I am stubborn and unreasonable, and as a result, I refuse to see anyone that might be able to actually diagnose me and prescribe me with meds that could potentially provide some much needed stability. Instead, I try to fight against it with exercise, scripture study and sheer will power. I've got a lot of will power, when I want to and even though this mood always feels great, I recognize that it isn't healthy and I need to do something about it. Usually, when I get like this, I try to force myself to sit, move slower, talk slower, breathe deep, listen to calming music and shorten my list of things to do that day to a reasonable length. But I'm planning a weekend excursion that we leave on tomorrow and still have million things to do. I also have to go get some new running shoes (i'm training for a marathon, remember?) So today, I'm thinking I'm just going to go with it.

Have a great day. I will.

(imagine photos of me having a great day. maybe i'll post some tonight)